A word, a thought, an action,
Ignition, ambition, fruition,
Where does the river flow?
Where does the sediment settle?
A landscape forever changing
An object in motion stays in motion
Weathered away, erosion
Acted upon by an equal force
Causing commotion
Repentance, forgiveness
Where art thou peace!?
Please . . . Please!
Release . . .

©2009 Cordell J. Larkin

“It’s not a hill; it’s a mountain, as you start out the climb.” Those are the words from a U2 song that have been ringing through my mind for the past few weeks since being married. Things have not been easy and difficult choices have been placed before me, ones I was not ready to consider this early on in my marriage. I am scared and my sense of direction seems to be obscured by my heart and consciousness fighting with each other. Peace seems like a far off fabricated dream.

Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer on Tuesday July, 28 2009 and things haven’t been the same since that day. He was taken in for emergency surgery to remove a tumor that had reached the size of about a baseball. Part of his colon and his appendix were also removed. Our prayers were with him and we have been very grateful that the test results came back that the rest of his lymph nodes were benign. That was great news but he was still in lots of pain and his whole body was still suffering from swelling.

At first we were afraid it had something to do with his kidneys. Then, on Sunday August 9 the doctors had to take him back in, open him up, and fix a hole that had formed in his colon. All the food and liquid he was taking in was leaking out and causing bloating pain throughout his abdomen. Now that he’s in ICU for a few days we hope that he will recover quickly and be able to return home. This whole ordeal has been hell on Mom and I don’t think I have ever witnessed my mother in such distress. It breaks my heart to see both parents going through this and being an only child, I feel helpless. I don’t know what to do. I’m definitely not ready to lose either one of my parents.

Sara and I are having our own battles on top of this situation. Our finances, future career and family plans are bearing down heavily upon us. Both of us are scared of the future despite our daily faith, hope, and prayers. I know for a fact that I can’t stay where I’m at in this career as it’s not family friendly. But on the other hand, this career is all I know and the one thing that can keep us above water financially until we get our debt paid off. Now I know why saving money and staying out of debt is so important to the stability of life. It definitely would help if we didn’t have this stress weighing us down.

I have been thinking about going to college after all of these years of wasting my time not going anywhere or at least get an apprenticeship in a trade such as plumbing or electrical. I’ve been thinking about possibly studying to become a teacher in math, science, or history. I love history but I excelled at math and science in high school and those professions are in higher demand these days. Sara and I have a tough climb ahead of us but as long as we stick together and keep the Lord in our lives and pray each day we will remain hopeful and optimistic. We just need the strength to push forward.

There you are, standing, your feet stuck in the mud again.  You feel the helpless, hopeless, burden of immobility.  Stretching and reaching above and beyond yourself you strive to achieve the seemingly impossible summit.  Sorrowful battlefields will be conquered from atop the higher ground.  Above gloomy clouds, pivoting on a point of great happiness, you will be able to observe past, present and future and know your divine destination.  Forget what you know and feel and free yourself for once.  Find that small seed of faith and toss yourself into the wind.

The path you chose will lead you to where you’re at.  Free agency is the most special and powerful gift that we have been given in our existence.  It’s not like flipping a coin for every decision that needs to be made.  We weren’t put here upon this earth by chance or to have everything happen by chance but we were given the opportunity to make choices with our free agency.  We don’t make decisions based upon the heads or tails of a coin or life wouldn’t have very much meaning.  We ultimately have the power to choose the path we make and where it will eventually lead us.  Every choice leads to an eternal destination.

The idea of chance can surely be a very interesting study of imagination.  Just think back to a very difficult choice you made in the past and what if you based the consequence of that choice on the flipping of a coin.  Where would you be now and would things be any different?  Would your whole life be altered because you chose heads or tails?  I think it’s hard to say but it sure makes for pretty deep contemplation and conversation.  Don’t you think?

While redecorating the look and feel of my personal blog I decided to start another new blog that is dedicated to just Sara and I.  Please take a look by locating and clicking the link posted under the “Family” section on the right hand side of this blog.  You may have to scroll down a little.  Please feel free to tell us what you think. You are invited and encouraged to leave comments, please.  Thank you.

There’s something new on the horizon and I thought it was time for a little remodeling and simplification.  Leaving one set of footprints behind, a new path is waiting before me.  I will strike out on a new adventure in two weeks but I will have a new traveling companion by my side.  I love her dearly and eternally and I am hopeful of the future.  She brings me great and needed inspiration during these turbulent times the world is currently facing.  I hold her close in every thought and every action and will respect and protect her to the best of my ability.  She is most precious above all other things in this mortal existence and I want her to know how beautiful and special she is.  I love her now, I loved her then, and I will love her always.

Things have been very rough and depressing lately and I feel like there is nowhere to turn and that the horizon is so very distant.  I know my faith is still young and weak and that there is so much to learn and grow from. Patience, a quality I use to possess, hasn’t been with me in recent years and I struggle at being humble and submissive. Some days I just want to stop along the path and find a nice shady tree and pull up a blanket of grass and take a really long nap.  Life is hard and it’s not easy for me to accept but today I would like to share the lyrics to a song that seem to mean so much to me when I came across them for the millionth time and they actually hit me like a rock to the head.  Here are the lyrics to “Walk On” by U2:

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring…
And love is not the easy thing….
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can’t leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it’s a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can’t steal it
No they can’t even feel it
Walk on, walk on…
Stay safe tonight

You’re packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you’ve got they can’t deny it
Can’t sell it, can’t buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home, hard to know what it is if you’ve never had one
Home, I can’t say where it is but I know I’m going home
That’s where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You’ve got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme.

I didn’t realize how crazy busy life can get sometimes until the past few weeks.  With a full-time job, wedding planning and preparation, and having a temporary second job, life can get really hectic and tiring.  I feel like I’m about to pass out.  There is almost no time for myself and I’m not trying to be selfish but we all need some time to our selves so that we can revitalize our body and minds from the strains of everyday life.  I absolutely have had no time to read or write in the past few weeks and last week was the first week I haven’t posted anything on my blog.  My goal at the beginning of the year was to write in my journal or on my blog at least once a week and last week I was not able to.  I am not disappointed in myself and I will just move forward and learn to budget some time for myself a little better in the future.

Outside, beyond the window, as the day slowly warms, I have watched the snow melt in the backyard.  Falling from the branches of the cherry tree and being absorbed into the welcoming soil.  Gravity pulls the lifeblood ever downward waiting and preparing for the birth of spring.  Little shoots of life have already pushed upward through the dampened earth seeking the rays of sunshine.  The cycle of life begins again in this beautiful season.  My heart aches and I know what it desires but patience must overcome restlessness and the fever of freedom.

A purity and innocence blanket the trampled and tired earth once again.  And like no other morning the light shines with intense brilliance beyond capturing.  You have to witness it to believe it but not today because your heart is overflowing with unseen knowledge.  Somehow you sense the truthfulness and you remain at peace while contemplating the love that burns deep inside of you.  Your thoughts turn towards the heavens and the world is left somewhere far behind.